Here is a question...If you are a girl and you are trying to network, how do you keep a professional relationship with guys and what do you say if someone (ie: a producer/director/writer/etc...) asks you to coffee or dinner or drinks? I think I have made more enemies in this town because I always say yes, go out with them a few times, and wind up being on their black list because I didn't sleep with them....Any answers?????

I presume you mean, by "this town", LA?

The first thing to know is that most people who call themselves "producers" (or often directors, writers or even - gasp - actors) barely are. You might want to view this thread:

"Producers" and "Directors"

Some are just harmless fakes; some have done just enough to use the label without really having any power at all; some are out and out dangerous.

So, the first question you might ask yourself is: did any of these people really have any power to help you to start with?

But let's say they were real "players"; that you'd seen their work or knew their credits, and wanted to maintain a connection with them. I don't know if it's necessary to point out that sleeping with them was unlikely to do that even if you chose to. I do know one woman out here who has mysteriously chosen new boyfriends who just happened to be directors of the latest film she was in. But then those films were pretty minor league.

I forget who said: "You can only sleep your way to the middle". And they were being optimistic.

What it comes down to is, many (maybe most) people maintain relationships because there's something in it for them. In this case, it seems like, rather than any professional interest, you're meeting guys whose interest in you is physical.

Which may seem pretty crass, but then your main interest in them is how they can help your career, so I'd call it even myself.

How do you maintain their interest? Think of the question from the point of view of an exceptionally unattractive (straight) male trying to do the same thing. Why would these characters want to talk to HIM? Well, maybe he has some proven skills. Maybe he knows the business really well. Maybe he's got a project he's talking up. Maybe HE can help THEM meet other people. Maybe he just gets them into parties. Etc.

Ideally, you make yourself interesting to industry people by being interesting yourself in a way that has nothing to with your (apparently sufficient) charms. Even so interesting that, rather than jeopardize a good connection, they actually hesitate to hit on you.

I know one woman who's pretty attractive and actually doesn't mind meeting new romantic candidates. But she also worked hard to put together her own shorts and, when a friend asked me to write a script for him, I felt secure passing the project on to her. Now, having made him happy with her work, she's probably going to direct that and another project. I'm sure some of the guys she's dealing with wouldn't mind an intimate moment, but they're mainly focussed on her skills and resume just now.

So it can be done. But if you meet guys you find interesting for their professional status and all you can offer is.... well, yourself... don't be surprised if that's what they go after. And then quit the field when they don't score.

Thanks! That certainly helps! Though, I feel like even when I talk about my progress in LA and my accomplishments and what I am working on now, they still ask me to coffee or if I want to hang out some time. I would much rather have them as a professional contact. From a guy's point of view, what is the best answer a girl can give??

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From a guy's point of view, what is the best answer a girl can give??

From a GUY's point of view? Do you really need to ask?

From YOUR point of view, if a professional relationship is what you want, you have to offer some professional advantage. Not just how your career is going. Unless they're planning to represent you that's only of interest if they're interested in you for some other reason. And I think we've established what that other reason is likely to be.

I can only reference what I said above: you have to have something to offer THEM on a professional level. A project, a skill, etc. And again, trying to imagine what a guy would do in the same situation to keep another guy (one, that is, with no sexual attraction to him) interested in him is one good way to envision what that would be.

The problem you seem to have here, from the get-go, is that these gentleman are not talking to you for professional reasons. That is, you're not, say, a distributor who might help get their film out there, or a producer who might make their film or script happen, or a DP who might work for their next project, etc.

That's not why they're not talking to you in the first place, is it?

So, to be a wee bit cynical about it, your real problem is getting guys who are talking to you for the only obvious reason either of you can think of to talk to you for the reason YOU want - to "convert", as sales-oriented people say.

The first thing is for you to be clear what YOU want from them. A part? An introduction? Representation?

For some of these goals, having coffee with them is the last thing you want to do. If (as, yes, still happens) someone like the "director" who's been hanging around my local cafe for years says you'd be perfect for his next film, step 1 is: "Here's my agent/manager's contact info. Could you give him a call and then he'll tell me how to proceed from there?" If the response is, "Well, I'd really rather get to know you as a person first"... not a good sign. And why waste your time?

For others a social situation might be appropriate (though I'm hard put to think which), but they might also be the right ones for saying, "Sure. Maybe my boyfriend and I could meet you for brunch?" or something similar. Again, if the response is, "Oh. I was really hoping we just get together one on one first", well, the situation threatens to be at least ambivalent.

I hope at this point other women will chime in, since there are grey areas in these kinds of encounters. But, realistically, if you're an attractive woman, the great majority of these initial contacts are going to be with at least the hope that something extra-professional will happen, and that means that in most cases "the best answer a girl can give" is... "I'm sorry, but I'd rather get to know you professionally first. If you've got a professional proposition, email me/contact my agent/etc."

Yes, that will, in most cases, close that door. But in most cases, that door wasn't leading anywhere you wanted to go anyway.

Well I am in NY so I don't know about LA but here are things I have figured out as a woman on the scene... if chatting on-line on a Sat night is "on the scene"... ha.
I am assuming you are single but maybe not.
You have 2 choices- avoidance and conversion.
Avoid the situation all together by learning to suss out what is going on early in the game. Imagine a significant other you care about is watching your interaction with this person. Being married, that little trick usually keeps my own flirting in check LOL! It also helps me keep a very clear perspective on the person I am talking too. Suggest coffee rather than dinner, turn a dinner date into oh i have plans with some friends why not join us? (moving into conversion with that one...)
Conversion involves taking a bit more control of the social situation. A dear friend of mine had this trick- every now and then when she would throw a little party and invite all sorts of folks including poeple who might help me later on down the line if only I could convert them from suitor to colleague. And colleague is different from friend. She works in nonprofit though so the sell is a lot easier- LOL. "You showed such an interest in humanitarian issues- you weren't using the issue of child soldiers to...seduce me were you?"
I have been thinking a lot about networking recently- I wrote about it on my blog here

Hope this helps!

Great comments, guys. Wow, it's so depressing and so true that romance can become so entangled with networking.
I'm not sure how many auditions you are going on Roxxy, but it seems like your networking may be taking place in venues that suggest a social rather than a professional vibe? You also said you end up being on the s***list because you "go out with them a few times" before saying you don't want to sleep with them. If you can smell the 'come on' right up front, that's the time to put the kibosh on it! Don't wait for several dates to transpire before making your intentions (or lack of) known.
I love Jim's suggestions for making the situation clear. As I wrack my brain here, I realize I can't think of anything better to say. Last time I got hit on (someone sent me chocolate cake in a restaurant a couple weeks ago, I kid you not) I just sort of rambled on and on about being married and flattered but old and bla bla bla. I think I ended up looking insane.
Ummm.
So, I guess that means you should listen to Jim and not me!

Thanks so much for your responses! Yes, I think the best way is to hand a business card with a manager's info on it. I only network at networking parties which happen all over LA, and even at those, I get nothing out of it but yet another coffee date. I will take all of this into consideration. Thank you!

Personally I think cutting out the networking parties is a good idea: that way you can put more energy on auditioning and networking with the filmmakers who end up casting you. You could also network via acting classes: the actor right next to you might be also a filmmaker looking for someone to be a lead in his/her short film.

This way you'll be noticed more for your talent and not just on how pretty you look: those parties often seem like places were shady characters can find easy prey

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those parties often seem like places were shady characters can find easy prey

A friend of mine in NYC once told me about a guy he knew who always carried five business cards. One said he was a music producer, for when he met aspiring singers. Another a film producer, for when he met actresses. Etc.

Most aren't that schematic, but the overall approach is a popular one.

If you want to be involved with people who are doing productive, promising things, go out and become one of them. THAT's the best way to network: through shared creative efforts, and mutual support.

"Networking" parties - in any business - are generally the worst way to do the kind of networking most people who go to them want to do. On the other hand, if you're looking for places to cruise....

Get the picture?